A Beginning of Love

Continuing from the state of Powerless I feel I am completely surrounded by a thick dense layer of fog. I cannot see clearly anymore, I don’t know what to think anymore. I was in a primal state of chaos and confusion 混沌. I feel like I was dead, with the body dragging across the land but without knowing where to go. Any thoughts coming up in my head I cannot help but dismiss them because I know they are wrong and will not serve me anymore. The sense of unknowing was so strongly present. If it was the me before I would perceive this condition of unknowing to be very good, for the hidden agenda that it is a sign for a new budding of knowing – this is coming from a sense of Power if you know what I mean. But this time this sense of unknowing is different. I truly feel that I don’t know a thing. I am so tiny and small. Compared to this huge universe, I am only a very tiny piece that doesn’t even know where to fit in the grand scheme of things. I feel heavy and empty at the same time as if I cannot contain anything anymore. There is nothing left for me.

My partner was asking me “what would I like to do today”. A very simple question. It was a question out of love but to me the question is like an atomic bomb being thrown at me. I said, “I envy people like you who knows what you like to do. I never know how to answer that question because I don’t know.” Tears, tears and more tears. At that moment I just feel all my beliefs are gone, all my values are gone, all my power is gone, all my faith is gone, all my confidence that I ever have was gone. Everything was gone. It is as if they were never mine to begin with. There is nothing. Point blank.

Just when I feel I am at rock bottom my friend from New York called me yesterday morning. She remembered it was my birthday.

She has indeed put some senses back to me. She said I have given up my power to my friends, to my family, to my sister, to my job. She re-assures me that there is power in me, and that I can stand up for myself. She gave me two Chinese proverbs that I would like to put it down here for myself:

山窮水盡而無路　柳暗花明又一村

山不轉路轉　路不轉人轉

I am grateful for having a true friend like her.

Believe it or not (I am a true believer), my dreams are indicating the same thing. Friends who know dreams better are giving me the following oracular advice: "Own the gift that greets you from within, that shining beauty and aggressive free spirit, that ownership of self in the face of inner judgement is with you on this 'rite' of passage. When the out-projected triggers to love's attatchment are found, owned and accepted in service to life and self from within, then 'inner Fiona' can simply be Fiona and you both may discover, accept and enjoy without hidden agendas, what life has to offer through you both." Such wise words.

A beginning of love that begins with powerlessness.

Powerless

The whole last week I was in a state of depression. Not wanting to move at all. I was upside down, very tired, in total frustration, chaos, sadness and lost.

Then on Saturday night I saw 活在邊緣　from RTHK, followed by the movie 女人本色 on the movie channel. I have not had such a big impact for a long time.

In this episode, 活在邊緣 talks about an old woman whose daughter has committed suicide because her husband has abandoned them and her mother-in-law accused her of being a very bad curse. The old woman then has to gather cardboard boxes to earn a living. At the same time, this other young boy of age 8 or 9 probably was doing the same thing because he has to earn a living for the younger brother and sister since their parents have abandoned them.

Despite all the things about pattern that I have learnt (that before age 35 you can still say that things are happening for external reasons but after age 35 everything happens is of your own doing), I cannot help but feel sorry for them. But the impact that comes to me is the respect that they shown for their "profession". And it dawned on me that I have never really truly given significance or respect or value to my own job. People all around me are trying to get a living, and I dare to toss the job away as if I don't care. I have not shown the right respect for the job that I was in. I have not given the deserved dignity and love to my profession. I have not learnt to view it from the angle of respect and treasure (尊重和珍惜). I guess this is something for me to learn before I venture onto my next job or career. That's good.

Tears were flowing down my face already and watching 女人本色 definitely adds to the river of tears. I quite like the script and the story line.

Gigi Leung as the main character 成在信 can be considered quite a tragic person. What happened to her is quite dramatic. What I like about the script and the story is that at critical moments, she made her choice based on a very simple rule – it was always the relationship involved that has the upper hand. That is no thing that she would do to sacrifice a relationship - be it the cheating from her neighbour; the taking on of the debt for her husband, the taking on of the blame from her life long friend of his father’s suicide; the taking on of the "dumb" and "easy money" from her investment friend; the scapegoat for the CEO of the company. Relationship is what she cares. It's that simple. At the end, as a person, she wins quite dignifiedly. Cause and effect to its ultimate is shown quite beautifully here as well.

After I saw this movie, it started to make me question all my past values, my past beliefs, my past so called power and strength and my past confidence. It is as if they are all wrong. This feeling of powerless and don’t quite know what to think anymore lingers on till Sunday morning, and I cannot help but lead myself to a big big cry. I do not seem to get my hands around things anymore. They are not what they seem, they are not what I think; all my concepts, what I have learnt, seemed completely irrelevant and wrong.

I feel empty.

Good Old Friends

My heart hurts, not because of a meal about my birthday – it's never really about the birthdays anyways – but a time and place where old friends can get together to see each other, just to be in each other's presence, and enjoy each other's story.

It just broke my heart to see how certain facts and genuine thoughts cannot be said straight in the face among "good" friends anymore. And I feel bad for never having the right people skills even I have the purest intention in the heart to be the mediator.

I am angry because there is no respect shown. I guess it's rightful too for my friend to feel the same way too given my tone on the telephone. I am angry too because one side is trying to play a trick – at least that's how I see it. A miscommunication maybe, and perhaps I may have taken it too seriously. Anger is never the way to resolve a tightened situation. I am too naïve.

This morning I have decided not to do anything, letting things be they are, and go as planned. To me old friendships are worth more than anything after all. And then I received the phone call. It's just interesting to see how things unfold. Nature sure has her way of doing things and how an interesting twist and turn of the story indeed.

To try to be in a central position holding the balance is not easy. I have taken a position and this disturbs the balance. It comes to that breaking point where things have to be rotten first before a rebirth can take place. 所謂，物先腐而後生。

Two things I am proud of though: for one, that one of my friends has the guts to move forward with such a resolution. Then secondly, one thing that I can be certain of is my other good friend is in a pair of good protecting hands – whether I acknowledged the way the protection is being done is another matter. This is because one thing that I did not know is what is the genuine feelings that this pair of good protecting hands have.

I sincerely hope that things are happening for the better.