A Beginning of Love

Continuing from the state of Powerless I feel I am completely surrounded by a thick dense layer of fog. I cannot see clearly anymore, I don’t know what to think anymore. I was in a primal state of chaos and confusion 混沌. I feel like I was dead, with the body dragging across the land but without knowing where to go. Any thoughts coming up in my head I cannot help but dismiss them because I know they are wrong and will not serve me anymore. The sense of unknowing was so strongly present. If it was the me before I would perceive this condition of unknowing to be very good, for the hidden agenda that it is a sign for a new budding of knowing – this is coming from a sense of Power if you know what I mean. But this time this sense of unknowing is different. I truly feel that I don’t know a thing. I am so tiny and small. Compared to this huge universe, I am only a very tiny piece that doesn’t even know where to fit in the grand scheme of things. I feel heavy and empty at the same time as if I cannot contain anything anymore. There is nothing left for me.

My partner was asking me “what would I like to do today”. A very simple question. It was a question out of love but to me the question is like an atomic bomb being thrown at me. I said, “I envy people like you who knows what you like to do. I never know how to answer that question because I don’t know.” Tears, tears and more tears. At that moment I just feel all my beliefs are gone, all my values are gone, all my power is gone, all my faith is gone, all my confidence that I ever have was gone. Everything was gone. It is as if they were never mine to begin with. There is nothing. Point blank.

Just when I feel I am at rock bottom my friend from New York called me yesterday morning. She remembered it was my birthday.

She has indeed put some senses back to me. She said I have given up my power to my friends, to my family, to my sister, to my job. She re-assures me that there is power in me, and that I can stand up for myself. She gave me two Chinese proverbs that I would like to put it down here for myself:

山窮水盡而無路　柳暗花明又一村

山不轉路轉　路不轉人轉

I am grateful for having a true friend like her.

Believe it or not (I am a true believer), my dreams are indicating the same thing. Friends who know dreams better are giving me the following oracular advice: "Own the gift that greets you from within, that shining beauty and aggressive free spirit, that ownership of self in the face of inner judgement is with you on this 'rite' of passage. When the out-projected triggers to love's attatchment are found, owned and accepted in service to life and self from within, then 'inner Fiona' can simply be Fiona and you both may discover, accept and enjoy without hidden agendas, what life has to offer through you both." Such wise words.

A beginning of love that begins with powerlessness.