Powerless

The whole last week I was in a state of depression. Not wanting to move at all. I was upside down, very tired, in total frustration, chaos, sadness and lost.

Then on Saturday night I saw 活在邊緣　from RTHK, followed by the movie 女人本色 on the movie channel. I have not had such a big impact for a long time.

In this episode, 活在邊緣 talks about an old woman whose daughter has committed suicide because her husband has abandoned them and her mother-in-law accused her of being a very bad curse. The old woman then has to gather cardboard boxes to earn a living. At the same time, this other young boy of age 8 or 9 probably was doing the same thing because he has to earn a living for the younger brother and sister since their parents have abandoned them.

Despite all the things about pattern that I have learnt (that before age 35 you can still say that things are happening for external reasons but after age 35 everything happens is of your own doing), I cannot help but feel sorry for them. But the impact that comes to me is the respect that they shown for their "profession". And it dawned on me that I have never really truly given significance or respect or value to my own job. People all around me are trying to get a living, and I dare to toss the job away as if I don't care. I have not shown the right respect for the job that I was in. I have not given the deserved dignity and love to my profession. I have not learnt to view it from the angle of respect and treasure (尊重和珍惜). I guess this is something for me to learn before I venture onto my next job or career. That's good.

Tears were flowing down my face already and watching 女人本色 definitely adds to the river of tears. I quite like the script and the story line.

Gigi Leung as the main character 成在信 can be considered quite a tragic person. What happened to her is quite dramatic. What I like about the script and the story is that at critical moments, she made her choice based on a very simple rule – it was always the relationship involved that has the upper hand. That is no thing that she would do to sacrifice a relationship - be it the cheating from her neighbour; the taking on of the debt for her husband, the taking on of the blame from her life long friend of his father’s suicide; the taking on of the "dumb" and "easy money" from her investment friend; the scapegoat for the CEO of the company. Relationship is what she cares. It's that simple. At the end, as a person, she wins quite dignifiedly. Cause and effect to its ultimate is shown quite beautifully here as well.

After I saw this movie, it started to make me question all my past values, my past beliefs, my past so called power and strength and my past confidence. It is as if they are all wrong. This feeling of powerless and don’t quite know what to think anymore lingers on till Sunday morning, and I cannot help but lead myself to a big big cry. I do not seem to get my hands around things anymore. They are not what they seem, they are not what I think; all my concepts, what I have learnt, seemed completely irrelevant and wrong.

I feel empty.